Trippin’ in 2015

Hi. Want to know what it looks like when Mama’s on the wrong/no treatment plan? And clearly needs a break? Then, read on.

So, exactly 2 years ago today, I was having quite a Face Book posting binge, the following is just one of many:

“YOU THERE! EARLY MORNING LARKS AND SHAMELESSLY “PRODUCTIVE” FRIENDS OF MINE! PLEASE NOTE THIS VERY IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER REGARDING THE FOLLOWING POST: DELIRIOUSLY NERDING-OUT HAVE NOT SLEPT OR CLEANED HA HA, HOLY SHIT WAIT WHAT TIME IS IT?! AND WHAT THE FREAKING SHIT (D’s favorite phrase, lol) IN THE LORD’S GOOD GOD DAMN NAME IS THAT SMELL!? WHY IS THE CAT SUDDENLY AGAINST USING HER FUCKING CAT BOX?!?! I’M FINALLY FREE OF SHITTY DIAPERS AND LEAKING PULL-UPS AND NOW THE CAT TURNS INFANTILE??? UGH. I’LL SAVE THAT ENTICING SCAVENGER HUNT FOR LATER, PROBABLY AFTER THEY SHUT OFF THE WATER…

ANYHOW, I’VE COME TOO FAR NOW…ON WITH IT.

(END DISCLAIMER)
It’s 5:30 a.m. and once again the front door below has just opened and then SLAMMED shut. HARD. UGH!!!! MOTHERFUCKER!
REPRESENTATIVE OF THE TONGUE-HOLDING AND EVER SWEET-ALWAYS TURN THE OTHER CHEEK-IF YOU CAN’T SAY SOMETHING NICE THEN–BLAH BLAH BLAH-BUT YOU ARE SECRETLY PUSHING INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLES OFF A CLIFF IN YOUR MIND–JUDGING ANYWAY TYPES! {don’t mean i don’t love y’all for it–you help balance the world):

“(Collective gasp!) DAUGHTER?! (spoken in the tone that only a disapproving mother could have) Tsk Tsk. Why Amber, why such animosity towards a person whom you barely know, who seemingly just might slam the door (albeit as a habit)??? Did you go off your meds again Honey? Be honest…” K, thanks Mom. 😛

THE ACCUSED AGGRESSOR WHO FLIPS ON A DIME FOR NO GOOD REASON OTHER THAN SHE BE JUST PLAIN CRAY-CRAY YO!!! (HOLLA BACK 5 YEARS AGO!):

“Well, in defense of what is–in MY own (or mine own? FUCKING BRAIN DAMAGE VERSUS GRAMMAR CHALLENGE!) opinion–my JUSTIFIED “agitation,” if it does pretty please the court–I would like to present my case!
(oh my god sophia-the-cat, where the frack is the rank pile of insides you have unleashed!? but perhaps more importantly, why is that i, a person who NEVER indulged in gross bodily function/bathroom humor, am suddenly forced to live in an ironic world of POOP POOP POOP! blegh! oh yeah, because i love my disgusting little garbage pail son who finds POOP endlessly entertaining, thus i humor him. 🙂 i’ll let corey find his bad putty tat’s gift of the mornin’. lol)

FIRST OF ALL, LET ME JUST CLARIFY–AS PER ANOTHER RECENT POST/BLOG OF MINE–I NORMALLY WOULD NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT A DOOR SLAM. PETTY. TRIVIAL. DID NOT EVEN DISRUPT MY SLEEPING BABY BOY–THUS TOTALLY IRRELEVANT TO MY LIFE. SLAM AWAY. YOU ARE INCONSIDERATE, OK, BUT I JUST TOTALLY DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
HOWEVER…

This particular asshole neighbor happens to be the same neighbor who complains about the noise Dashiel makes, oh wait up–hold the bloody phone–i see you sneering, don’t you dare immediately condemn MOI, simply on the basis of perhaps knowing my um…what’s a phrase “progressive” parents might use…”emotionally expressive thus learning to trust and grow, etc etc but really he is the devil (Tazmanian) incarnate at times, but an angel (food cake, hee hee) at others–remember that! lol Yeah yeah my son can be a little bastard (because it’s his right to be–born out of wedlock that one was, for shame!), but he’s mine, thus in compliance with the natural order of the universe–and thus is hereby crowned THE ULTIMATE ‘PRINCE DJ ROCKSTAR HI IT’S ME D! FIREFIGHTING RESCUE MISSION SKATEBOARDING DOWN THE RAMP I’M THE MAN! QUICK BACK FLIP SWITCH TO THE RAZOR MOM I NEED A DIRT BIKE TO RIDE DOWN A ROLLER COASTER TRACK! TEACHER I’M HERE!!! LOOK DAD! I WORK ON PLANETS AND ROBOTS LET ME GET MY SAW TO CUT YOUR CHEST OPEN TO FIX YOUR HEART AAAAHHHH MONSTERS SHOOT THEM I”LL SAVE YOU PRINCESS! HA HA HA I’M THE BAD GUY I STOLE THE MONEY GET THE HANDCUFFS! HI MY NAME IS ___ DO YOU WANNA BE FRIENDS THIS IS MY BROTHER ISABEL IS MY GIRLFRIEND AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE HAS A BABY SISTER CALLED TINY CAN I PICK HER UP AND GUESS WHAT SHE HAS A KITCHEN IN HER ROOM TO COOK FOOD! PLEASE CAN WE GO ON THE AIRPLANE TODAY! HEY MAMAAAAAA LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK I’M PICKING AT MY LIP AGAIN! THE ZOO WHOO-HOO CAN I GET A TOY FINE BUT I JUST WANT TO LOOK PLEASE CAN I BUY THIS TRUCK OHHHHH NOW I’M NEVER GONNA GET ANOTHER PRESENT FOR CHRISTMAS AT THE ZOO NO I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TOYS SHUUU…ALAKALOMA I WANT A BIG CHURRO THAT’S NOT A BIG ONE YOU BROKE IT SEE LOOK IN THE WINDOW AT THE BIG ONES I WANT THAT ONE! DADDY DO YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK AND WORK ON THE HEADS WHEN PEOPLE FALL DOWN OFF THEIR TRICYCLES AND YOU BUILD A ROBOT! I HAVE A LOT OF JOBS YEAH YEAH I GOT TO GO TO WORK NOW SEE YA CALL ME I’LL TEXT YOU OK OVER AND OUT POLICEMEN’S DON’T WEAR SOCKS OR SHOES MOM NO NO THEY DON’T! OLAF! AWWW THANK YOU BROOKIE! I LOVE HER SHE IS MY SISTER COUSIN! NO SOCKS! EVER! NO SHOES! NO LONG PANTS! NO LONG SLEEVES! NO BLANKETS! I’M COLD! DON’T CUT MY HAIR DON’T BRUSH MY HAIR NO HATS EXCEPT POLICE OR FIRE HELMET DON’T TOUCH MY HAIR! MOM MOM WHERE’S MY LEGO BOOK! FUCKING HOLY SHIT GOD DAMN IT I’M GONNA PISS OUT HOMIE LOLOLOLOL! WHAT WHAT WHATCHA MOMMA SAY MOMMA SAY WHAT HOLY COW! HOLY HIPPO! HOLY HORSE! HA HA HA LUMPY SPACE PRINCESS WHATEVER LOOKOUT! CAVIES! UUUGGH QUIT TELLING ME THINGS TO NOT TO DO WHAT I WANT I’M OLDER NOW YOU KNOW MOM I WANT TO CLIMB THIS RAIL! KIDSPACE! MOMMY HOLD ME HOLD ME! I’M A BIG KID I’M 46 AND I DON’T REALLY LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE! EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! DADDY’S HOME! MOM HOW ABOUT YOU GO TO THE STORE AND ME AND DADDY WILL STAY HOME AND PLAY IS THAT A GREAT IDEA I’m 6 1/2! REMEMBER MY COUSIN AND MY AUNTY AND GRANDMA! YAY! I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE! I LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH! HOW MUCH IS SO WAY WAY MORE THAN YOU KNOW! SHUT YOUR FREAKIN MOUTH DRAT! LOLOLOL! WAIT WAIT WAIT EXCUSE ME I HAVE A QUESTION! THAT IS LIKE SUCH A WEIRD THING! MAMA! BOUNCE BOUNCE OK NOW SHOOT! THIS IS MY SHIRT FOR MY TEAM I HAVE NUMBER TWO LOOK I GOT A TROPHY!!! AWWW SOPHIA KITTY SO SWEET! KICK THE CAT! OUR FAMILY MOMMY DADDY AND D THIS IS OUR FAMILY ALL TOGETHER! WHEN I WAS A GIRL I HAD A BABY IN MY BELLY AND THEN IT JUST CAME OUT MY BUTT! HAHAHAHA! WANNA COME TO MY HOUSE! OKAY OKAY OKAY QUIT TALKING TO ME PLEASE! JUST LET ME CLIMB TO TOP OF THE CAR MOM! HEY I KNOW LET’S GO TO THE COFFEE SHOP AND YOU CAN GET A COFFEE TREAT AND I CAN GET A DONUT IS THAT A GREAT IDEA! OH THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH MY LOVER! COMOESTASWE’RESOHAPPYTOSEEYOU! YOU CAN’T BE MARRIED TO DADDY ONLY PRINCE AND PRINCESS CAN BE MARRIED! DANCE MOMMY! DANCE DADDY! OH YEAH-YER BREAK IT DOWN! RA-RA SONG LADY GAGA! ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I’M THINKING! FUCKING SHIT! CLEAN UP CLEAN UP EVERYBODY DO YOUR FUCKING SHARE! MOM DON’T YELL AT THOSE PEOPLE WHAT IF THEY YELLED AT YOU THAT’S NOT NICE! MOVE CARS MY MOM CAN’T GET OUT OF THE PARKING LOT ASSHOLES! NO HONKING! MUNO! I’M NOT A PRINCESS I’M A DASH! NOAH’S ARK YAY LOOK MOM AT THAT BOAT WITH ANIMALS JESUS CHRIST! YOU REMEMBER THAT BIGGEST STRAWBERRY I’VE EVER HAD FROM AUNTY AT HER HOUSE! STOP DROP AND ROLL! OH MY GOD THAT IS THE BIGGEST TOWER I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT IN MY WHOLE LIFE! ANNEDROIDS! TURN DOWN FOR WHAT! MY GRANDDAUGHTER WAS LITTLE AND WHEN I WAS A GROWN UP WHAT IS A GROWN UP THEN I WAS A BABY! I CAN KICK YOU I’M GONNA HIT YOUR FACE WANNA FIGHT! WHAT THE FREAKIN HECK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! BRICK! 5 MORE MINUTES 5 MORE MINUTES PLEASE PLEASE SET THE TIMER! AUNTY MANDY AUNTY!!! ARE YOU A GIRL BOY! NO SCHOOL I WANNA PLAY CATCH! DO YOU HAVE A DOOLIE OR A DOOLA CAN I TOUCH YOUR BOOBS LOL! MORE WATER! I LOVE BELLIES BELLY BUMP BELLY BUMP! WAIT ONE MORE SHOW! REMEMBER WHEN I WAS BIG AND I THE DADDY AND MY BABY WAS HERE AND HEY THAT’S MINE PLEASE PLEASE JUST DON’T TOUCH MY THINGS UGH NO GIVE THAT IT’S NOT YOUR WALLET I WANT IT! A SNACK! A BAR YUMMY THANKS MOM YOU ARE THE BEST I’M SO PROUD OF YOU! YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR YOU DID IT RIGHT! OH GREAT NOW I’M NEVER GOING TO GET A GIRLFRIEND! SHHH MOM THE SLEEP PATROL IS COMING! REMEMBER THAT GUY WITH THE KNIFE AND THE DINOSAURS SPLASH DOWN THE HILL WHOA WHOA! OH YEAH DOUCHE! I JUST LOVE TO BE HOME CAN WE JUST GO SOMEWHERE! WANNA SEE MY ROOM! UM I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THAT BECAUSE IT’S MINE AND THERE’S LORD BUSINESS AND YOU’RE NOT THE SPECIAL SO NO I’M SORRY YOU CAN’T PLAY WITH THAT BUT MAYBE LATER THANK YOU! AM I GOING TO JAIL MOM GREAT NOW AM I A BAD PERSON MOM IF YOU LEAVE ME HERE THEN SOMEONE WILL STEAL ME AND THE POLICE WILL COME AND YOU WILL GO TO JAIL NO I DON’T WANT TO GO INSIDE THE STORE PLEASE YOU GO IN AND I WILL JUST WAIT HERE IN THE CAR UGH MOM YOU CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME YOU LITTLE DRAT! RUN MOM RUN NO I’M GOING TO WIN BECAUSE I’M DASH LIKE THE INCREDIBLES DASH!–UNDEFEATABLE, UNDENIABLE FOREVER CHALLENGING BUT ALWAYS ALWAYS INSANELY LOVEABLE KICK ASS BASTARD!”
and so much more, but holy freaking shiiiat, i’ve got to go!!!!
(Please see above disclaimer if you are confused, or disturbed, and THEN FOCUS DAMN IT. I like to be thorough with my rants!

Recess is over!
…me, I’m well aware of my son’s abilities to wreak havoc like the Tazmanian Devil. Anybody who knows Dash has marvelled at just the size of his feet alone (size 13 shoe, for the currently childless–that size on a preschooler rivals baby sasquatch), nevermind if that person was lucky enough to witness his eerily Super Human Hulk-like (42 inches tall and 50 pounds of nearly all muscle mass–with the tiny bit of adorable-oh good he’s still my little baby–chub) explosive tantrums or sometimes equally explosive fits of pure joy. The adage “Fight Hard, Play Harder and Love Hardest,” is like, our household creed. That is an adage, isn’t it?
ANYHOW, back to the downstairs douche. but guess what, between the hours of 8 am and 10 pm, we can do whatever the hell we want. Here’s the catch: The man downstairs lives with his girlfriend who, poor thing (sincerely), suffers from MS. Like, hospital bed-ridden in the living room of their apartment 24/7 bad. It is so sad to see her laying there, unable to move/control her own body, or speak, etc. I can see her through the window. Heartbreaking. Almost ALWAYS alone throughout the day, just he in this bed in the middle of the front room with a TV on.

When we first moved in, this last Halloween–we felt so terrible for this poor woman (and still absolutely do feel for her, of course) that we were completely stressed out and both of us were constantly (CONSTANTLY) screaming at, reprimanding and even punishing D to a point at times–for making too much noise. Whether the noise stemmed from a freak out tantrum, or just being excited, or just simply playing. Nicely. On his own. While definitely at times the noise has been excessive and D is very clever and knew that he could really stick it to us by STOMPING AS HARD AS POSSIBLE around the entire apartment when mad, ultimately, we as distressed parents were punishing him for being THREE YEARS OLD. As in, a little human who just stopped wearing diapers.

We were unaware of the neighbor’s condition until after we accepted the apartment.
–OK THERE IS AN INCREASINGLY IRRITATING CELL PHONE ROOSTER ALARM APP GOING OFF–

….TO BE CONTINUED…Y’ALL!”

So, yeah, just keep in mind, there’s a reason some moms need a special kind of cocktail. So try not to judge your fellow parent too harshly. 🙂

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