“This Conversation Never Happened.”

My five year old son suddenly breaking down his thoughts on the slammer to me tonight:

“I think I could make a new friend in jail.” 


“I mean, I know they treat you like shit there.”


(I quickly grab iPhone and hit record…ENJOY!)

“I’d see what it’s like in grown up jail, if I do something bad.”

Mmmhmmm…You think you’d make new friends in jail?

“I don’t know…I could meet a prisoner guy? Maybe I could be friends with a prisoner guy?”

Mmhmm. Think that’d be a good idea?

“I don’t know…I can tell them something, say: I know you’re bad, but you can still hang out with me.”

So you want to be their friend?

“I could. I don’t know what it’s like there. When do they start doing lunch? At the cafeteria? What time?” 

Um, I think it probably depends on the jail. And I don’t think everybody gets lunch all the time…

“I’m gonna die.”

Well, you already said you know they treat you like shit.

“Well, maybe it could be fun there. Well, I can get strong.”

Yeah, but you can get strong when you’re not in jail. You can be happy, and be free, and you can have lunch, usually any time you want…

“I think it would be fun there. Well, the officers–” 

The officers aren’t usually friends with the prisoners. It’s like, kind of the point.

“Okay, let’s get back to this.”

Back to what?

“To this, so I don’t remember. This never happened.”

This conversation never happened?

“No, it’s not happening. We were never discussing this conversation. We were NEVER.”

So we never discussed having a friend in jail? This never happened?

“No, it never happened.”

If it’s not in the papers, it never happened, right? (Newsies)

“No, it never happened. We were just watching the show.”

Alright, so get back to Bob’s Burgers?


(And I really don’t even know where it came from. Well, we did watch Newsies, where they reference a “jail for kids” quite a bit {the Refuge}, and I’ll have to look back at the episodes of Bob’s Burgers he was watching at the time he brought up the subject. Yeah, episodes. As in more than one. Of an adult cartoon. And on a school night. He gets comedy, so fcuk off.)

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